By Dan Grennan
DIT has promised to sacrifice ten thousand students to Grangegorman by 2020.
DIT has said it is a necessary to sacrifice students in order to achieve the Technological University of Dublin prophecy or the TU4D as it is affectionately called.
The 10,000 students will be rounded up from Kevin Street, Bolton Street and the School of Media within Aungier street.
The body count is expected to reach 15,000 by September 2021 with the remainder of Aungier Street being sacrificed to the TU4D.
The first round of sacrifices is said to begin in the second week of September in 2020.
It is expected the method of sacrifice used will be ‘death by lack of facilities’ but DIT are looking into other more economical options like ‘pushing them off a cliff’ or ‘giant pit of Lava’.
DIT has proposed a ‘student levy’ in order to provide a proper ‘recreational space’ beside the pit of lava.
Kev ‘Mad Dog’ Murphy said “I am looking forward to being sacrificed for the sake of the TU4D prophecy because what Dublin needs is another University on the outskirts of the city.
“I think the people who reject the move lack the vision to see how great the college could be if we moved it out into Grangegorman,” Kev also said.
“Like the last session I was at and all the lads said I couldn’t smoke a fag in one drag but I proved them wrong, naw mean. So what if we have to be sacrificed for the prophecy. People are just blowing it out of proportion”
“The only reason I chose DIT was because I didn’t get enough points for Trinity and I was in my fuck going to college outside of the city centre. That’s one of the best things DIT has going for it”, said Bolton Street student Kevin McGinty.
DIT Overlord Brian O’Driscoll said jubilantly, “I can’t wait to sacrifice my students to please the TU4D gods and fulfill DIT’s destiny. It shall be a glorious day!” before beginning a rain dance to bring bountiful crops over the Summer.